It all starts with a blank page.

And a blank brain. Or maybe a very cluttered, confused brain.

Where do I start? What do I even want to do with my life?

You start with some research. You visit “US News Top Colleges.” You scroll and scroll and scroll till you hit the bottom of the page. What does this all mean? How do they even rank these schools?

It’s all too much. It’s only June. You have until December at the latest anyway to submit your applications. So you procrastinate by watching YouTube.

~

You still don’t really know what you want to do with your life, so you’ve decided you want to go somewhere with a good liberal arts education. So you Google just that: “Colleges with a good liberal arts education.”

And you visit college website after college website after college website. The words “liberal arts” and “interdisciplinary curriculum” swim across every page, until all the websites blend together and become a swirl of meaningless jumbo.

It’s too much. More YouTube!

~

You’ve finally gathered a list of about 10 schools. Now it’s time to write!

But what do I write about?

You Google, “How to write a college essay.” Your search results blast you in the face with all sorts of articles like, “How to Write the Ultimate College Essay!” They all say the same thing: be yourself! Use your own voice! Write about something no one else can write about!

But how do I do that?

Then you read some “Successful College Essays!” where students compare quantum physics to working at McDonalds, or how they moved ten times. Then you feel inferior and get sad because your life is nowhere near as interesting as theirs.

You pull up a Doc. You brainstorm. Do I write about that one time I saved my dying houseplant? What about my service trip over the summer?

An hour passes. You’ve gathered some ideas, and now you look them over. You frown. They’re all bad. No substance!

YouTube awaits!

~

It’s been two weeks. You’ve discovered the Deep Dark Web of College that consists of College Confidential forums, sub Reddits, and YouTube videos titled “College Decision Reaction!!!” and despite how toxic it all is, you can’t seem to stop reading or watching them.

On a brighter note, you have your first draft ready. You are proud of it; you think it really conveys who you are as a person. So you show it to your family.

Your mom says, “I love it!!!”

You dad says, “It’s ok. Could be better.”

Your brother says, “It stinks. Rewrite it.”

GAHHHHHHH!

~

After numerous revisions, your college essay is ready. It’s the best work you’ve ever written. The admissions officers will LOVE it!

Now time for all the supplements…

~

The supplements, surprisingly, are much easier to write than the big college essay. You churn out two a week!

You’ve finally broken the vicious cycle of YouTube watching and have finally climbed out of the College Confidential and sub Reddit rabbit holes. It’s now mid-October; early applications are due in two weeks. It’s grind time.

~

Today is the day you’re submitting your early applications. You’ve poured your blood, sweat, and tears into these. Your four years of high school have been condensed into these documents. Now, all you have to do is click submit (and pay those application fees).

You read the final application PDFs over and over to make sure there are no typos. There are none. You’re ready.

You click submit.

Submitted!

~

In the first week after you submit your earlies, you feel relief. You did it!

But now you have to work on your regular decision applications.

But there’s less pressure now that you’ve already submitted some. So that is good.

~

It’s been two weeks. You start to get emails from your schools that you applied early to about your admission portal. It all feels real now! You’re going to get a decision soon!

You start to count down the weeks and the days until your first decision is released.

~

Time slows to a crawl. Each day passes uneventfully. All you’re waiting for is your first decision.

You tell yourself, College isn’t the end of the world. Focus on other things. Focus on your regular decision applications! Worrying won’t help!

Your self-pep talks don’t work much. If anything, it adds to the already mounting anxiety.

I’m going to get in. No, I’m not! Yes, I am!

These thoughts are slowly eating at your brain. So you do the natural thing: watch YouTube.

~

One week until the first decisions are released.

That’s seven days. Every day is a mountain to climb. You want each day to end as soon as possible.

You fall back into the College Confidential and sub Reddit rabbit hole. You can’t help it.

It’s impossible to block out all these thoughts from your head.

~

Six days. Five days. Four. Three, two, one.

Today is the day!

School is a sludgy blur. Your decision is the only thing on your mind. It’s super unhealthy for your brain but you can’t control it.

Only a few more hours.

You go home. YouTube doesn’t even work to distract you at this point. All you can do is sit, take deep breaths, and wait for the time to come. You can’t believe you’ve made it this far.

One hour to go.

This one hour passes surprisingly fast. You’ve accepted your fate; whatever happens happens. It’s going to be fine.

Five minutes.

You’re sitting at your chair, sweating and trembling. The moment is almost here.

One minute.

The sweating and trembling intensifies. You stare at your analog clock, counting down the seconds.

Three, two, one.

As if in a trance, you move your mouse. You sign into your admission portal. You see the new link: “View update.” You click.